Dr. Gary Chapman Reveals the Most Common Mistake with the Five Love Languages

Ryan Franklin
18 hours ago
9 min read

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In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Gary Chapman — the best-selling author of The 5 Love Languages® — to explore the timeless truths behind building lasting, loving relationships. I'm excited to find out the fascinating story of how he discovered the concept of love languages, the global impact of his work, and practical insights for couples who may feel disconnected or discouraged. We'll also dive into Dr. Chapman’s newest book, A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage, and the life-changing difference between viewing marriage as a covenant versus a contract. Whether you're married, preparing for marriage, or leading others who are, this conversation is full of wisdom, encouragement, and biblical perspective you won't want to miss.

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https://5lovelanguages.com

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A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage: https://amzn.to/3SorZKk (affiliate link)

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Transcript

When someone said, "I feel like my spouse doesn't love me," what did they want? What were they complaining about? Their answers fell into five categories, which I later called the five Love Languages. I started using that in my counseling: if you want her to feel love, you've got to learn to express your love in her language. If you want him to feel love, you've got to learn his love language.

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And now let's get to our session.

Welcome to the Christian Leader Made Simple Show. I'm your host Ryan Franklin. We have on the show today the one and only Dr. Gary Chapman. Yes, this is the bestselling author of The Five Love Languages, whose insights on love languages have shaped marriages and relationships around the world.

I'm very excited today to find out about his story of how he actually discovered the concept of the love languages, the global impact of his work, and some practical insights for couples who may feel disconnected or discouraged. We'll also introduce Dr. Chapman's newest book, A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage, and discuss the life-changing difference between viewing marriage as a covenant versus a contract.

Whether you're married, preparing for marriage, or leading others who are, this conversation is full of wisdom, encouragement, and biblical perspective that you don't want to miss.

So welcome to the show, Dr. Gary Chapman.

"Well, thank you, Ryan. It's great to be with you."

Yes sir! It's a tremendous honor to have you on the show. I've recommended your books hundreds of times to young couples sitting right back here in these seats getting married or going through struggles in life.

"Well, thank you. That's good."

Before we jump into today's topic, I'd love for you to share some key moments of your journey—particularly how you discovered that people give and receive love differently—which ultimately led to The Five Love Languages. Tell us about that.

"Yeah. Well, I worked on the same church staff for 50 years and marriage and family counseling has been a major part of my ministry. I never forget a number of years ago when it dawned on me that what makes one person feel loved doesn't make another person feel loved.

A couple came into my office; they'd been married for 30 years. The wife said: 'Dr. Chapman, the real problem is this—I just don't feel any love coming from him. We're cordial; we don't argue but we're like roommates living in the same house. He does his thing; I do mine; there's nothing really going on between us and I just feel empty inside.'

I looked at her husband; he said: 'I don't understand her. I do everything I can to show her that I love her.' She says she doesn't feel loved.

He said: 'I don't know what else I can do.'

I asked him what he does to show his love.

He said: 'I get home from work before she does; I start the evening meal; sometimes it's ready when she gets home; if not she'll help after dinner; I wash dishes every night; on Thursday I vacuum floors; Saturday I wash the car; mow grass; help with laundry,' etc.

It sounded like he was doing everything!

He said: 'I do all of that.'

She says she doesn't feel loved.

He said: 'I don't know what else I can do.'

She started crying and said: 'He's right; he's a hard-working man but we don't ever talk—we haven't talked in 20 years—he's always mowing grass or washing dishes.'

I realized here was a sincere husband expressing love by doing things for her—a woman who didn't get it emotionally.

After that experience—and many similar stories—I took time to review notes from counseling sessions asking myself: when someone says "I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me," what do they want? What are they complaining about?

Their answers fell into five categories—I later called them The Five Love Languages—and started using them in counseling.

If you want her to feel loved, learn her language; if you want him to feel loved, learn his language.

I helped couples discover their languages and challenge them to try it at home—they often came back saying things had changed dramatically between them.

Then I taught small classes at our church with similar results.

About five years later I thought if I could put this concept into a book written plainly for everyday people—without psychological or theological jargon—maybe I could help many couples whom I'd never have time to see personally.

That's how The Five Love Languages was born."

What a tremendous impact it has made! In my own marriage over 23 years we've talked about how my love language is acts of service while my wife's is quality time—which can be hard for productivity-driven people like me—but understanding this was crucial.

My love language is words of affirmation; my wife’s is acts of service—I do dishes, vacuum floors—and she tells me I'm the greatest husband in the world!

"I think you've done a tremendous job with your book."

Thank you! This applies beyond marriage—in daily interactions too—as knowing people's love languages helps lead more effectively in church or workplace contexts.

Absolutely! A few years ago I teamed up with Dr. Paul White and wrote The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace—the same five languages but framed around appreciation rather than love because it's about feeling valued—not just being a cog in the machine.

That understanding makes powerful differences in workplace climate.

I've got a new copy too—it's been awhile since I've read it but plan on refreshing myself as it's such a practical tool I've recommended many times.

Over 20 million copies sold—that's made your work part of homes worldwide! What's it like knowing you've had such global impact?

"It's very humbling—I realize I couldn't have made this happen alone—it’s been a God thing!

What surprised me most is how it's crossed cultures—published in over 50 languages—often becoming bestsellers there too!

My academic background includes cultural anthropology studying other cultures' organization so when publishers wanted Spanish rights I doubted if it’d translate well since I discovered it in middle America—but they published it anyway—it became their bestseller!

It’s encouraging knowing God used this simple concept to help millions communicate meaningful love worldwide."

When was it originally published?

"1992."

Wow—over 30 years ago!

Over all these years teaching and counseling are there common misunderstandings about The Five Love Languages you'd wish people understood better?

"Yes—the biggest misunderstanding is people think only about themselves—they say 'my spouse isn’t speaking my language so they don’t love me'—this self-centered view leads them toward selfishness: 'if they don’t meet my needs then I'm out.'

But really it’s about learning how *you* can effectively communicate *your* love—not focusing solely on getting your needs met but wanting to enrich your spouse’s life—to help them become who God wants them to be—that’s true love."

Two selfish people will never have a good marriage—not just marriage but anywhere—in office or church teams—that’s humanity!

You've recently written A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage—a comprehensive tool with bite-sized chapters covering vital topics like intimacy, communication, forgiveness… What motivated this new simplified resource?

"I’ve written many books going deep on topics but today people prefer short chapters without thick books—so this gathers key insights into 31 easy-to-read chapters focused on practical steps anyone can take.

I teamed up with John Hinckley who helped organize content into categories with actionable steps after each chapter—it’s designed for common folks without psychology jargon but practical help."

One key idea is viewing marriage as *covenant* rather than *contract*. Can you explain why that shift matters?

"Our society lives contractually—a contract says 'if you pay for 36 months then drive this car.' Contracts are limited-time agreements often based on ‘if-then’ exchanges:

‘If you do this for me then I'll do that.’

Marriage contracts might be short term agreements (like who does what chores) which are healthy—but marriage itself biblically is not a contract because contracts aim at personal benefit while covenants are instituted for *the other person’s* benefit—with steadfast commitment regardless of circumstances."

You gave examples like God’s covenant with Noah benefiting all survivors; Ruth pledging loyalty to Naomi as covenantal commitment rooted in loving devotion rather than conditional exchange.

Marriage covenant involves permanent commitment ("in sickness & health… as long as we both shall live") requiring confrontation/apology/forgiveness when failures happen because emotional barriers build without addressing hurts properly through sincere apology & forgiveness—which differ from feelings; forgiveness is choosing pardon despite ongoing memories/emotions."

You also mentioned “five apology languages” explaining how different people perceive sincere apologies differently—that's fascinating!

Yes—and forgiveness opens doors but doesn’t restore trust immediately especially after deep breaches like unfaithfulness where rebuilding trust takes time through transparency & consistent openness (e.g., phone/computer access).

You stress biblical process from Matthew 18: confront sin lovingly; if repentance comes forgive; if not involve trusted others & bring before church community praying for repentance—God models forgiving those who confess sins."

For couples feeling disconnected & wounded what would be your recommended first steps toward rebuilding?

"The natural tendency is expecting *them* to change—but Jesus says start by examining yourself honestly asking God ‘where am I failing?’ Confess these things then approach your spouse humbly asking forgiveness even if they don’t reciprocate immediately—it surprises them & opens hearts allowing God’s work."

Then learn their love language & speak it sincerely because ‘love stimulates love.’ Though we can't change spouses directly we influence positively by loving first following Christ's attitude of service."

Finally pastors & church leaders face burnout impacting marriages deeply—any final encouragement?

"I understand losing hope after repeated conflicts thinking ‘we’re not made for each other.’ But as long as there’s life there’s hope! Reach out—to pastors/counselors/friends/read books together discussing chapters praying for God's help because marriages need His grace overcoming selfishness through Holy Spirit leading us toward serving our spouses asking ‘how can I make life easier?’"

Love feeds love—from Corinthians 13 placed centrally among spiritual gifts reminding us God's plan centers deep mutual love sustaining marriages forever."

Dr. Chapman thank you so much for sharing your wisdom today—it’s been an honor!

"Thank you Ryan—I appreciate what you're doing keep pressing forward—we need voices spreading hope that life can be good when we commit ourselves fully to God & each other."

Where can listeners find your newest book?

"Go to fivelovelanguages.com—you'll find A Simple Guide for a Better Marriage plus all my books available there or Amazon."

I'll include links in show notes so everyone can easily find them.

This concludes our show today. My name is Ryan Franklin—thank you so much for joining us on the Christian Leader Made Simple podcast!